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The Dispatch

Dispatch | May 15-16: Topsy-turvy

Nothing is more permanent in Georgia as the ruling party’s perennial game of brinkmanship with the West. Its our way, or highway, Ladies and Gentlemen from Brussels and Washington D.C. and – one has to admire the chutzpah, since Georgia is not holding any cards… How about Mr. Bidzina Ivanishvili’s billions, you say? Tsk, tsk, he is not involved in politics. This is the Dispatch from Georgia, which goes to Europe by taking the path in opposite direction.


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O, Lord, Won’t You Buy Me a Porche Macan: Life in our Extremely Democratic Republic may be somewhat turbulent, but every Georgian knows that even our civil servants, and – God forbid – our politicians won’t stoop down to taking the taxpayer-funded black vehicles and using them for private purpose. No, that is never going to happen. All of those cars with blue flashing lights, occasional sirens and curiously similar number plates are just our brave police and security officers rushing on very, very important government business, protecting our life and limb, so to say, against the forces of evil, which, in this day and age, are known as The Party of War. But, unfortunately, our businesspeople are not so high-minded. They engage in various activities to swindle their own companies out of money, the scoundrels. But our hawk-eyed prosecutors and our honest, not-at-all-clannish Courts are vigilant, and they inevitably get their prey. Today, Nika Gvaramia, the attention-seeking boss of Mtavari TV was caught red handed. The prosecutors established, that this rotten manager of a man got the dealership to sell him Porsche Macon at a knock-off price, in exchange for advertisement, and then – o, horror! – used the said luxury vehicle for driving around his family. The hawk-eyed prosecutors have it on tape – his wife is dropping off kids at school! Yes, the taxpayers of the Extremely Democratic Republic have done well to pay for tailing her and unmasking this evil plot. The verdict is in, Mr Gvaramia will now see the inside of the prison for 3.5 years for this rotten business deal he made. You say he is a prominent government critic?! Ah, he is also a defense lawyer of the Leader of the Party of War, Mr. Saakashvili?! Those are just particularities that have nothing to do with this case, independently reviewed by the very independent court. You see, other charges, in which the hawk-eyed prosecutors accused that scoundrel Mr. Gvaramia of not making as much profit as he could have (as estimated by hawk-eyed prosecutors), were dismissed by the Very Dignified Judge. The court is free, no doubt about that. Those bad managers must pay for their sins! Hush, the embassies, your “questioning of [Georgia’s] commitment to the rule of law” is influenced by the Party of War. And if Mr. Gvaramia’s TV will go down, so be it, it is free competition, isn’t it?! This way, you will hear the correct news. No fakes this time. Promise.

Charmer in the town And who else to explain to you where you got it all wrong, than the Dear Leader with charming smile and cordial personality?! Prime Minister (a.k.a Call-Him-What-You-Want Minister) Garibashvili will be in Brussels tomorrow to defend the Extremely Democratic Republic’s prestige. He will tell those lily-livered bureaucrats, that Georgia should become the EU candidate, since as any Georgian Bidzina (no relation) knows, if there is no war in Georgia today, that is because our Call-Him-What-You-Want Minister works day and night NOT to attend a G7 meeting, to stay OUT of the NATO Defense Chiefs Meeting on May 19, and to otherwise indicate that nothing about wa… sorry – conflict – in Ukraine has to do anything with our Extremely Democratic Republic. And thus we deserve to be in the EU, which is a peaceful place, see?! And we are for peace, and we are so, so threatened by the Party of War… and by the U.S., who have been jointly dragging us to perish in the Armageddon. What about Mr. Gvaramia, you say?! What about him? That has nothing to do with the freedom-of-the-media. RSF, another sympathizer of the Party of War got it all wrong. Mr. Gvaramia’s case is a private business dispute settled by an independent court. Period.

Peace Springs Eternal The enemies are ever laboring to subvert the Perennial Peace in the Extremely Democratic Republic. A horrified Georgian has learned the other day that those enemies “are upset that Georgia is not involved in war”. Our Curly Chairman, Lucullus of the political scene, is a statesman with gravitas, he won’t stoop for a lie for mere electoral profit. After all, he is not elected. Not by citizens, anyway, but surely by THE Citizen. And if there are certain forces from the Party of War, who point out, that two of the Extremely Democratic Republic’s provinces are occupied by Russia; or that over 3000 citizens have been illegally detained in 2008-2018 by the occupation forces, and that several were murdered; and that ex-serviceman has being jailed just recently… Well, those are the very people, who let slip the dogs of war, weren’t they!? And no, the referendum scheduled for July 17 that may the Russian borders 40 kilometers from the capital of the Extremely Democratic Republic is not going to shatter the Perennial Peace. We won’t let the Party of War rejoice. Surrender is Victory, of sorts.


The Dispatch will continue tell you all about the life of the Extremely Democratic Republic every Monday and Thursday. Stay tuned. And the credit for inspiring this issue goes, of course to the Chronique De Mamane and his Very-very Democratic Republic of Gondwana.

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